I Don’t Know What to Write Anymore

These last few months I’ve felt that I should be writing more blog posts. That I’m neglecting something by not writing occasionally. I don’t know what I’d be neglecting, it’s not like I owe anyone blog posts or anything…

Nonetheless, I’ve felt like I should be writing. Yet I’ve had nothing that I want to write about. My life seems to be consumed with projects at the moment, and I don’t like writing about projects before they are ready for public eyes. Conceivably I could write about my experiences working with people who are homeless, but I haven’t had anything that I’ve wanted to share on that front. I could write about parenting, but…. I’m not inspired to do that.

I stay off of facebook and all the other meta products these days mostly, so I’m not having conversations about current events that I could hash out via blog. Not that there isn’t a ton to talk about with current events. Writing about politics seems… silly right now. Silly? I don’t know. Wasteful, maybe. What there is to do is to defend democracy. What else is there to talk about? What is defending democracy, these days? Lots of people write lots of things about defending democracy and our political environment right now, but I don’t see democracy as any more defended than it was before.

We all know that news and current events coverage has devolved into a straightforward chase of clicks. Which makes trying to follow the news a slog of “LOOK AT THIS TERRIBLE THING!” “LOOK AT THAT TERRIBLE THING!” while very little, if anything, changes. Then when something does change, we’re so exhausted from all the crazy headlines that we’re numb to the crazy changes going on. I shouldn’t say “we”… I mean “me” here.

Did someone call this the fire house of misinformation?

But, it’s not a total numbing. It’s not a helpless feeling. Not for me, anyway. It’s a “I see what you’re doing here, and I’m tracking what will need to be undone when this country isn’t so divided.” I know a lot of people are doing the same. I know that the division in the United States, and the world, will not last. I know that this era will end. We will learn the lessons we need to learn from what is happening today, and we will apply those lessons. Humanity will not always be susceptible to the things that it is susceptible to today.

I know some people say or think that it is a myth that humanity matures. For me, it is a matter of certainty that it does. Maybe not 200 years ago, maybe not even a hundred years ago. But today, with the speed and depth with which we are able to share our culture and experiences, I think it is undeniable. In the US, we have grown dramatically away from the cultural norms of my childhood. And though people are attempting to turn us back, they will be unsuccessful. The cat is out of the bag. There is no going back.

What do I do with this knowledge? Keep moving forward, I guess.

Yet the more I move forward, the more often I feel like an imposter, you know? The more I find myself in spaces where I’m afraid that people will find out that I have no idea what I’m talking about. Even though I do know what I’m talking about. That was a thing about my earlier blogs posts, is that I felt like I had nothing to lose by blogging. Now I feel like I’m up to something. There are stakes in what I’m doing. I don’t want things to go wrong… and that fear has made me more uncertain. When the stakes were low, my certainty was high. For me, writing is often an exercise in expressing certainty. If I’m sure of something, then I let myself write it. Even if it’s just that I’m not sure. But when my life has been full of uncertainty…

In my life, there is truly nothing but what I do for other people. I’ve been working on this project to make the Santa Cruz Free Guide into a full homeless services provider for a while now. I know that I can keep contributing, and I know that what I’m embarking on is due only to people joining me on this journey. People keep joining me. And I guess that means something. I guess that means that I’m doing the right thing. Even though they all could leave at any moment – they don’t. Even though there is no guarantee that I’m doing the right thing… The people who’ve joined me on this journey are people that I love and respect immensely. If they are telling me to keep going, who else would I listen to? There is literally no one who I would take advice to heart from more than the people who are with me on this journey of starting this new agency.

Maybe that’s the point. Because building a team is not about being out in front. Building a resilient team is about building a mutually re-enforcing team. And this is a way that I need to be re-enforced. When I look out over my screen of zoom meeting attendees, I can see folks who are re-enforcing me when I’m having my doubts. When I’m afraid that this is all going to fail, they are still there looking back at me.

Maybe this is what I’ve been afraid to write all these months. I’ve been reluctant to embrace that it will be alright. That I will be okay. We will be okay. I’ve been afraid to let go of the worry. But I can let it go. I will be okay.

2 thoughts on “I Don’t Know What to Write Anymore”

  1. Oh yes! You will be okay. It will all be okay. In fact, it IS already OK! Because the present moment (which is, of course, always), cannot NOT be OK. It is us, humans, that can think the other way, because worry can be, as you wrote, something like an old, trusted coat.
    Our world, humanity, is lucky to have you, Evan. I feel blessed to have you around, even if it is 9,000 kilometers away. Like you say, it is knowing that you (we) are doing the right thing. Not to be arrogant or self-praising, but we know we want this world to be the best it can be, and our work supports that. And so is the work and thoughts of trillions of others, luckily.
    We can not and never will not be okay (hmm… hope the double-negative works out correctly here 😉 ). Because the purpose of our lives extends beyond our lives.
    Thank you for what you do, for being a brother, a fellow-warrior (seems like a contradiction to what we both said, but apparently we “fight for the right”), a fellow human being, being an other part of the same spark that makes our hearts beat and makes us feel, experience and love. Love is the answer to everything. And you know it. That’s why it’s always okay.
    Love you!

    Like

  2. Evan, I have EVERY a faith in you because you are a good person.

    Keep fighting the good fight.

    Santa Cruz, America and the world need people like you to keep us open to the possibility of love for our fellow human beings.

    Like

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